The Confirmation.
He looked at the ultrasounds, paperwork, and detailed information and was extremely apologetic. When a doctor looks at things, what you want is "unremarkable." That's not what we got.
He gently gave us advice and choices, sad smiles, and told us that it was likely serious chromosomal defects in the fetus, who would likely not survive even until birth. Quietly, he suggested we should terminate. I already knew the answer, but I asked quietly if it were fixable - maybe I had made a mistake, maybe I had misunderstood the research I had done, but he shook his head and said, no. I started crying again.
Dr. Feldman said what we could do is get additional information by calling his friend, Dr. Drugan (a genetic specialist) at Hillel Yaffe Hospital in Hadera. Honestly, he said, we could just drive up there and see if he'd see us in person since it's only about 25m away.
My husband and I looked at each other and immediately drove to Hadera. Parking was a little difficult with all he construction, but then we walked into the beautiful hospital that had huge (fake) birds flying in the expansive foyer. We wandered around until we found Dr. Drugan, and, surprisingly, he accepted us for a quick consult - again without an appointment - when we told him it was urgent.
He sat us down, looked at the information, and shook his head. He gave us the same information as the other two doctors, that not only was it likely that the fetus wouldn't survive to birth, but also that I could miscarry at any time (which may explain my constant cramping). The specialist told us we had two choices: we could either end the pregnancy immediately with a D&E or we could get a CVS/amnio to see the reason for the chromosomal defects (and then get a D&E). We did have to keep in mind that test results could take up to a week, even expedited, which could then affect what type of procedure I might have to undergo.
He sat us down, looked at the information, and shook his head. He gave us the same information as the other two doctors, that not only was it likely that the fetus wouldn't survive to birth, but also that I could miscarry at any time (which may explain my constant cramping). The specialist told us we had two choices: we could either end the pregnancy immediately with a D&E or we could get a CVS/amnio to see the reason for the chromosomal defects (and then get a D&E). We did have to keep in mind that test results could take up to a week, even expedited, which could then affect what type of procedure I might have to undergo.
Dr. Drugan mentioned this specifically because his hospital, Hillel Yaffe, conducted D&Cs only until thirteen weeks. Rambam Hospital in Haifa performed them until fifteen weeks, but either way, I was past the 13 week mark so I had to decide quickly if I didn't want to be induced and take two days to give birth to my malformed baby.
I couldn't decide about the CVS sitting right there, but the doctor gave us time. My husband and I used it to eat lunch, our first meal of the day since we had been running around. We decided, after great deliberation and reviewing the fact that additional information would not help with future pregnancies, that it'd be best to handle everything sooner rather than later. It was likely just a fluke at my age. We returned to Dr. Drugan, again without an appointment, and told him that we'd like to go ahead with the D&C.
He immediately took his cell phone out and called his contact at Rambam Hospital, scheduling the procedure for Sunday morning at 10am (they were basically squeezing us in). He also scheduled us to be heard, that very afternoon, by the Committee who grants terminations of pregnancy (he is on the Committee). We ran home, helped our babysitter with clothing and lunch (we had just moved the previous week and she couldn't find clothing) and returned to Hadera in time to be "judged." We filled out paperwork in a broken down little building (I think the Hospital was rebuilding every other building first), met with a highly sympathetic social worker and a very understanding Committee (who must have at least three people: a social worker, a secretary, a genetic specialist, and an internal doctor). Without hesitation, they approved our termination and literally wished us love and good luck in the future.
I couldn't decide about the CVS sitting right there, but the doctor gave us time. My husband and I used it to eat lunch, our first meal of the day since we had been running around. We decided, after great deliberation and reviewing the fact that additional information would not help with future pregnancies, that it'd be best to handle everything sooner rather than later. It was likely just a fluke at my age. We returned to Dr. Drugan, again without an appointment, and told him that we'd like to go ahead with the D&C.
He immediately took his cell phone out and called his contact at Rambam Hospital, scheduling the procedure for Sunday morning at 10am (they were basically squeezing us in). He also scheduled us to be heard, that very afternoon, by the Committee who grants terminations of pregnancy (he is on the Committee). We ran home, helped our babysitter with clothing and lunch (we had just moved the previous week and she couldn't find clothing) and returned to Hadera in time to be "judged." We filled out paperwork in a broken down little building (I think the Hospital was rebuilding every other building first), met with a highly sympathetic social worker and a very understanding Committee (who must have at least three people: a social worker, a secretary, a genetic specialist, and an internal doctor). Without hesitation, they approved our termination and literally wished us love and good luck in the future.
That's when the trouble began.
Immediately (remember this detail for later) upon leaving the hospital to head back home, we called Maccabi (our health kupa whom we usually love) and told them we need a Tofes 17 – a document that shows the kupa the procedure has been approved and it shows the hospital that the cost of the procedure will be covered, in this case, a procedure that costs over 4,000 shekel. We informed the kupa the urgency of it and that we would need it by Sunday. They claimed they marked it urgent and we would have it in time, an important fact since the hospital would not go ahead with the procedure without it.
This day had been filled with running around, meeting with doctors, paperwork, and appointments. It was all mental and logical. But the weekend.... the weekend was all emotional.
This day had been filled with running around, meeting with doctors, paperwork, and appointments. It was all mental and logical. But the weekend.... the weekend was all emotional.
All weekend I prepared myself mentally for Sunday morning. On Friday, I spent time with my three kids. On Friday night, I asked my husband to give one last blessing to the baby (and cried through the whole thing). On Saturday, I didn't want to talk to anyone and slept late, and on Saturday night, I rubbed my belly, felt my uterus while lying down, and told the baby it was loved and that I was sorry.
And while I slept, I dreamt of my baby.
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And while I slept, I dreamt of my baby.
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