THE BIRTH - JUNE 17, 2020
On a beautiful Tuesday night in June (at 39 weeks + 1 day), as I was putting the kids to bed, I realized that I hadn't felt a lot of movement from the baby that day. So after the adorable little monsters finally passed out, I went to my hubby, Ariel (for whom I had just bought entrecote steaks, a variety of mushrooms and truffle olive oil for a delicious sauce, and sweet potatoes for his birthday dinner). I sat on the edge of the bed and told him my concerns. He sat up and asked if I needed to go to the hospital and I, a person who dislikes going to get checked out, immediately said yes. So we left.
We ended up at Laniado Hospital in Netanya after stopping briefly at Urgent Care (I don't know what we were thinking, but they sent us immediately to the proper place) where they ran all sorts of tests. Rainbow gave the doctor some trouble at first, but after being poked and pushed around a few times, eventually passed all the tests. Despite this, I was still nervous because baby was usually a strong kicker and today was more than worrisome.
After hubby and I sat downstairs for thirty minutes counting kicks, we returned to the doctor. An additional one had joined in the shift; she reviewed my file again, realized my history with blood clots (2010), and notified me (kindly) that hospital policy, what with my medical history and "advanced" age, was to induce at 39 weeks.
My husband and I went into the hallway to discuss it and I tried really hard to calm down. I wasn't quite ready to have this rainbow baby. But why not? I had, essentially, been pregnant for over a year and childbirth was going to happen in the next week regardless - now or three days from now. Thinking now, I wonder whether the stress of my previous pregnancy, the choice to terminate, and worrying about the new pregnancy really took a toll on my mental health (of course it did).
Logically, and since it was likely a matter of a week anyway, I knew that staying at Laniado and being induced was the best idea (Ariel definitely helped convince me by explaining that I'd be home by Shabbat), so I sucked it up after a few tears and hugs and we agreed to stay.
At midnight, they gave me the little magic pill to start labor (cytotek) and I started practicing my hypnobirthing breathing. We watched some television, slept a little, and relaxed until about 5:40am, at which time I got up. Blood started dripping onto the floor; I called the nurses. As soon as they saw the floor, they instructed me to get back in bed, contacted the doctors, and wheeled me immediately to the delivery room.
At the beginning, I had a younger nurse attending, but I started having trouble progressing consistently. This might have been due to the fact that I was experiencing a terribly sharp pain in my lower right hip (it had started a few days previously) and thought I might have appendicitis as well. Additionally, I had just been diagnosed with a UTI and was on antibiotics. With all these complications, I was still trying my calming breaths, but they were not helping as much as usual.
The doctors and nurses kept coming in and quietly suggesting an epidural, but I kept saying no. My other births had been so easy and quick that I felt like this should be no different. But, unfortunately, it was.
Due to the lack of constant progression, the pain, and the seemingly endless blood clots passing during labor, my medical caretakers said that I might have to go into surgery - obviously, something I didn't want. Despite this, they prepped me by shaving me and having Ariel take off my jewelry. They even debated how to take out my cartilage piercings.
Even so, an additional, more experienced, nurse (Avigail) came in and gently asked me again if I wanted an epidural. Clearly, she could see how much difficulty and pain I was in.
This time, I didn't automatically reject it.
This time, I paused.
This time, I thought seriously and asked myself, At what point will I accept help for me and for my baby?
So I asked whether it would lengthen the delivery. Sometimes, Avigail admitted, but sometimes it removes the pain and discomfort enough for us to give birth. And thus, around 9:30am, I relented. Also, the nurse went on, if you have to go into surgery, it'll be an advantage because it will prepare you for that as well. Though if I continue to progress, she said, I could avoid it.
Immediately, they sent the doctor to get it done. In turn, he sent my husband out for twenty minutes and quickly got to work. Once it took effect (I even laid on my right side to help), my left leg became numb and immovable, but the pressure and the shooting pain on my right side also FINALLY dissipated - what blessed relief! Avigail then came back in, gave me a catheter, massaged my belly and assisted me in releasing my urine (my bladder had been blocking the path for the baby). I feel like she may have even hoisted herself on my bed to do so - though that might be my faulty memory.
After all this, the younger nurse stepped out so I could relax, but my guardian angel/nurse knew what would happen and stayed in the room. She was right. Not long afterwards, I felt pressure and within twenty minutes - with my urge to push and hands-on help from both the nurse and my husband - my baby girl finally emerged at 10:38am.
A few moments later, I birthed my placenta and that's when the nurses saw how shredded it was, that it had been detaching from my uterine wall. Together, Avigail and the younger nurse patted it dry, examining it closely to make sure it was complete. They were astounded that it hadn't pulled off completely. So was I; I've seen other healthy placentas. This wasn't one.
Placental abruption can be extremely dangerous for both baby and mother and it was the reason I had been having such terrible pains on my right side for days. It was also why I had been bleeding during labor.
Weeks later, when I went for my checkup with my gynecologist, he was astounded that I ended up with a natural labor/birth. I say it was because of Avigail, who SINGLE-HANDEDLY saved me from surgery, delivered me a healthy baby, and kept me alive.
THE ANNIVERSARY - AUGUST 14, 2020
One year ago today, my husband and I went to Hadera to terminate our pregnancy. Today, my rainbow baby, Liora Keshet (the light of G-d is mine; rainbow) is eight weeks old.
I still worry a bit that the shredded placenta might have injured her somehow, though she seems fine. Neither do I have any proof nor would I find out for a couple months or years anyway. Chances are she's fine and right now I am sitting here, typing, with her laying on my chest, sleeping peacefully.
Liora was a light from the very beginning, smiling from the start (from day 2!). Even the nurses noticed and made funny comments about what she was dreaming. My rainbow baby laughs in her sleep about whatever wonderful things babies dream of and, occasionally, she makes these weird breathing laughing snorts that are so loud, they can wake us up. She has hair, unlike her brothers and sister, and she's my other chocolate baby (I create two flavors, vanilla being the other).
And Liora is likely my last. The pregnancy was challenging and the birth even more so. And now that there's been a placental abruption, it's more likely to happen again, especially due to my age. I am 42 years old (a "geriatric" mother) and I'm both sad and relieved that I won't have to go through all of this again.
Because of that, Ariel and I decided to get a professional photo shoot with our little miracle. I had been following a particular photographer since my previous little girl was born and chose her to capture an image that reflected how we felt. We chatted, I told her our story, and this was her take on it - a beautiful and touching result.
With Liora, I now have two beautiful boys and two gorgeous girls who light up my life. I am very lucky and very blessed to have them, healthy and happy, even on the days they drive me nuts.
All the same, I started lighting an extra candle on Friday nights - a little one for Nugget, our lost baby, who will never be forgotten and will always be loved. The baby may not be with us on this earth, but he/she is keeping good company with my mom and Ariel's grandparents in heaven. The baby will forever be a part of our Woolf family - the family that was completed with a light from above, our little Liora Keshet.
