For better OR worse...

When a couple gets married in America, it is expected that somewhere in the vows there will be mention of "through better or worse, sickness and health, til death do us part," or something along those lines. It's a phrase that is utilized, but no one ever actually wants or expects to experience the possibly difficult side of marriage: a severe illness (whether physical or mental).

This severe illness happened to my parents. I say it happened to both of them because parents are a team. They work together on building the family unit, so when one is incapacitated, the other is heavily affected. Even if there are no children involved, an illness can be catastrophic to the marriage relationship (90% of all marriages that have a spouse with bipolar disorder end in divorce, and men are 6x more likely than women to leave when a serious illness strikes).

In 1984, my dad suffered from a major heart attack and was hospitalized for two months before he was healthy enough for triple bypass surgery. He even died once on the table. He then had to go through recovery and we had to change our family's diet. In 1989, my dad suffered from a major stroke which incapacitated him for over a decade. Because of that, my mom effectively had six kids to take care of and only savings to use. Until last month, it never once occurred to me that my mom would have left him because of it.

I was having a conversation with my husband about this and he mentioned that he knew a husband who had left his wife after she suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury). My husband knew because he had been helping her recover and go through rehab. People with TBIs are not vegetables; they know what's going on around them. She was aware that her husband had left her and why he did so. How sad. My husband asked me about my parents... I had no answer except the truth: It simply hadn't occurred to me that my mom leaving my dad was an option.

I have difficulty not judging someone who does so, especially because it hits so close to home. I acknowledge that there may be situations that are extreme (and, in fact, heard about one this morning where a husband had MS and it affected his brain to a point where he became physically abusive), but other than those cases, how can someone simply give up on their spouse because things didn't go in the direction they expected?

We don't get to pick what our future is with someone and it's naive to assume it will all be roses. People get married and should be in it for the long haul. My mother had 40 years with my dad before she passed away suddenly last month. She didn't have an easy time of things, but through it all, persisted and fought for her marriage. She always, publicly, had a smile on her face. Privately, she struggled.

My dad didn't have it easy either. Aside from his own health struggles, toward the end, my mom had diabetes, chronic kidney disease, kidney cancer (which she beat), and colon cancer. He worried incessantly but never wavered. In fact, it only allowed me to see just how much he loved and cared for her, which I didn't always necessarily see when I was younger.

But a marriage is a marriage -- for better or worse. If ever my husband got sick or injured (G-d forbid), I'd follow my mother's example, tough it out, and take care of him. I'd expect my husband to do the same with me. We've even spoken about it and, as difficult and morbid as it is, have discussed potential medical situations and started preparing for their possibility.

I married my amazing husband because of many things: one of them is his strength. I need him to be my rock when I'm tired and to take care of me when I'm sick. I need him to be there for me and with me, and I know he will, just like my mom was there for my dad all those years. I married my husband because I know that, for better or worse, he will be by my side, holding my hand as my partner in life.

Our quickie wedding wasn't so quick.

My husband, Ariel, and I just hit the six month mark, and all I keep thinking is, how is it possible that some couples get divorced before they are together even a year??

Our situation (great choice of words) was unique. Our families (my immediate and his uncle's) grew up with each other. My husband and I lived in two different countries, so we didn't meet in person until we spoke online for almost two months. We went on three official dates (got engaged on the second one), and got married five months after our engagement.

Many people we know say that it happened really quickly, but it doesn't feel that way to us. Since we spoke for those two months prior to meeting, we actually got to know each other. I mean KNOW. We spoke about everything important (and some unimportant things as well). But it makes me wonder... how do people get married nowadays?

They date for years (I'm formerly guilty of this) and then, maybe, get married. But they don't really know each other. Worse yet, they know each other but refuse to admit to themselves that it isn't a good fit, and then get married because it's expected.

Neither is healthy.

Here are my thoughts after being a serial monogamist for 16 years: People need to be brutally honest with themselves, and only then will they be able to be honest with others. A spouse is someone with whom you are going to spend fifty years! Think long term. Be true to yourself. Decide what you can compromise on, and what you REALLY can't. Decide what is a habit (changeable) and what is character (not generally changeable). BTW, don't unilaterally volunteer to tell the other person about everything in your past. There may be things they don't need to know or things they consciously decide they don't need to know. Respect that decision as they should respect yours. Sometimes sharing is not caring.

Keep in mind that you should be happy with the person exactly the way they are right now, this very moment. Chances are they aren't going to change too much. Keep in mind they should be happy with who you are right now. Chances are you aren't going to change too much either, and you shouldn't change your character (unless you're a bully, a jackass, etc).

You should also be happy with who you are. Ask yourself this question. Ask yourself whether you are comfortable around your partner; whether you change your behavior when you're around them, whether you respect them and LIKE them as a person (and not just love them).

From the outsider's perspective, Ariel and I may have acted quickly, but there was so much thought, questioning, honesty, and communication bandying about that, in truth, we knew each other better on our wedding day than most long-term couples do. We have never stopped this intentional act of communicating and though I know I'm speaking for him, I can say that we will always both try to do our part to continue this for the next ninety years.

I want us to be one of those cute older couples that walks around holding hands; one of those couples who are approached by younger ones asking what our secret is. The secret is simple (note: simple does not mean easy). But then again, the best things in life are the ones that take a lot of work and attention.

He's the One.

When they found out I got engaged, several people asked me how I knew that Ariel was the one for me, especially since we have only known each other since December 6, 2011 (when we started chatting on FaceBook). I'll start by saying that although living 6,000 miles (9700km) apart is extremely challenging, it provided us with the opportunity we never would have gotten... to truly learn who the other person is.

Four days after we started talking, I was interested in meeting him. For months and months, we continued talking and realized that we have so many things in common.

It's really easy for me to answer the question, "How did you know?" in my head and heart, but not so easy for me to put it into words for the questioner. Nevertheless, here is my attempt to do so.

Before I met Ariel, I had a checklist with characteristics I was looking for in a guy. I was also pretty much ready and willing to settle (since it was extremely unlikely for me to find the man I was looking for). I had come to the conclusion that there was a certain person out there that I needed, but simply wasn't sure he existed. Before quitting, I prioritized my list of needs (and threw in a few wants), knowing that some were more important, some were less important, and some would have been nice (a "bonus") if I got them but could do without them. People laughed and asked me if I planned on finding just one guy who had everything I was looking for.

But it seems that within six months of my decision to get married, I got lucky enough to find the one man in the world who has met each and every request on my list, and what an amazing man he is (he's also a really good looking guy - icing on the cake)!

He thinks like I do, has a great sense of humor, a lot of patience, and has a big heart. He comes from a big family and they are important to him. His health and fitness is a priority, as is his Judaism. He likes to learn and is chivalrous. He is kind to people, no matter who they are, and works hard. Our style and taste is extremely similar, and we both love to go hiking, camping, reading, and playing/listening to music. He is strong, opinionated, extremely intelligent, thoughtful, and oh, have I mentioned kind?

We both have open minds and interests in trying new things. We both enjoy traveling, learning about new cultures and languages, and are foodies (and drinkies; is that a word?).

I love when he holds my hand without thinking about it. I like that he has his own interests, priorities, and friends. I like that he is a goofball. I like that he accepts things about me even when he doesn't understand them. I appreciate that he encourages me to do things I love, and I love that he surrounds himself with good, quality people.

In some respects, our personalities lean in different directions. I am more practical, he is more of a romantic. He seems to have an easier time focusing than I do (or he fakes it well). I am a uber-planner, he is more spontaneous. We balance each other well.

Most of the time, we communicate well. There are times when we don't, and when we are having trouble sharing or phrasing things quite right. But we both understand the importance of it and keep working at it until we are both (reasonably) happy.

In the end, what it comes down to, is that I don't have to try with him.

Every relationship takes work, but I don't have to struggle with him. I don't have to explain my love of Judaism to him or what Hebrew/Yiddish/holidays mean. I don't have to make excuses to travel, and I'll get to learn new languages with him. We can listen to, and learn playing, music together. Not only are we on the same page, but we have been reading the same book as well.

Not only do I love the man, but I like him as well, and I believe that is more important.

He makes me want to be a better person, a better attorney, and a better Jew. I want to be his amazing wife and mother to his children. I know he feels the same way because we've discussed everything, both easy and tough.

I look forward to what the future holds for us, but right now, I'm loving the present... and the man, my other half, my b'shert, with whom I get to share it.