Intermarriage. The Self-Imposed Holocaust.

I'd like to think that most of my Jewish friends would prefer to marry Jewish and only marry non-Jewish because they feel that their choices are restricted, either by location, availability, or options. Every time I hear about one of my friends or acquaintances dating, getting engaged to, or marrying, a non-Jew, I feel an acute sense of loss for their kids, our Jewish people, and our communal future.

I used to be a Sunday School teacher teaching Judaica and Jewish history at local synagogues and congregations. Currently, I tutor Jewish kids at a local Jewish day school. My mother was a Judaica teacher for decades and my sister taught as well. I have seen how kids are raised and respond within Jewish as well as mixed families. I have even spoken with friends and acquaintances about this issue and gotten their take on it.

[I have been holding off on this blog for a while since this is a very difficult topic for me. Aside from the fact that I was almost guilty of this myself, I have so many friends and family who will be directly affected by this blog. I was asked why I have delayed writing this... I'm not sure that I have a good answer except that it will hurt people I care about. I'd like to think that they already know me well enough to be aware of how I feel about this and other topics and that I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect. This may be true. Regardless, to them I say that people can differ in their convictions and still love each other. I may not understand and/or approve of your life choices, but that doesn't mean I don't care for you. I apologize if this hurts or offends you, but I cannot apologize for my opinion and feelings.]

Despite this intense conflict of feeling, yesterday I reached my breaking point. Perhaps it was a joke, but I didn't find it to be funny. An old male classmate of mine had a Facebook status, "This is the best time of year to be married to a gentile!"

Fantastic. Let's show some PRIDE that we've not just intermarried, but that we are also happy about it, that we have now relegated our next generation to being non-Jewish (with a gentile mother) AND being apathetic about which religion is important in our lives.

I will admit that I am not completely innocent of this travesty. When I was merely dating, I dated non-Jewish guys (two, to be exact). I was not happy about them being non-Jewish, but felt that my choices in the Detroit Jewish community were extremely limited (not an excuse). Even when I dated Jewish guys, I was bothered because, while they insisted that they were interested in being more Jewish, they were never proactive about doing more or even learning about their religion. I dated these guys because I was fighting my Jewish soul and being more Jewish/observant (as I spoke about in a previous blog).

Perhaps hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps I'm only now accepting what I have always felt, believed, and loudly promoted. Being Jewish is fantastic. Being Jewish is a culture, a people, a way of life, a religion. Being Jewish is to be different. It's all of the above. It's everything. While it's not always easy, it is something to be proud of and to fight for. It is not something to minimize or ignore.

Sadly, most American Jews today are "cultural" and nothing more (I have theories as to why the Cultural Jew is the most common, but that's a subject for another blog). They are ignorant of their own religion and history, and, based on that ignorance, assume that Judaism is restrictive and, thus, off-putting. It doesn't help that they don't have exposure to religious Jews who demonstrate that it can be fun and enjoyable. They only hear about the bigoted, obnoxious, ultra-religious Jews who, quite detrimentally, make Judaism seem outdated and anti-women.

Because of that, I have some sympathy for most Jews... to a point. Ignorance is no excuse.

There is no excuse to not know the basics about your own religion; to do your own homework. I start with one argument:

Why discard your own religion before knowing anything about it? 

Why not ask questions about your own religion? About your identity? Your history? Who you are? Why deny yourself and your children knowledge?

When someone asks you what it means to be Jewish, you should have an answer.

When you date someone, you should be thinking of your children, grandchildren, and their futures.

Then there are the Jews who are somewhat educated, involve themselves in Jewish activities, Jewish youth groups, participate in educating our next generation, and yet have no problem dating and marrying non-Jewish spouses. Before accepting my full love of Judaism and marrying a religious Israeli, I would have fallen into this category. It's just as detrimental to the Jewish People's future, though perhaps sadder, and I would have had absolutely no explanation for my kids had they asked me, "If Judaism is so important, why did you marry Dad?"

Adolf Hitler felt that Jews were lesser people and had scientists manipulate science to prove his theory. In his endeavors, he ended up murdering at least six million Jews and we have learned NOTHING from this. We have only continued his action with the voluntary dilution of intermarriage.

Even Jewish philanthropist Edgar Bronfman, who fought for Jewish rights and to strengthen Jewish identity among young people, who fought Swiss banks to release huge amounts of monies as restitution to murdered Jews, continued the dilution. He even went so far as to encourage it.

“Intermarriage today can even be an opportunity for a stronger embrace of Jewish identity,” Bronfman wrote in the Jewish Daily Forward in 2010. “Intermarriage is not a calamity but an opportunity for both a Jewish and non-Jewish partner to learn.”

I beg to differ. If education, exposure, and tolerance of different religions and identities were the goal, there are simpler and better ways to accomplish it: joint religious events, seminars, and interfaith gatherings, just to name a few. But again, you should learn about your own religion and identity first before studying others.

Nowhere in science does dilution strengthen anything. Rather, it is the process of making something weaker or less concentrated. Religion is no different.

Yes, there are some overlapping morals and beliefs, but there is a stark difference between Judaism and Christianity (or Judaism and any other religion); a chasm that cannot be bridged. When the parents disagree on the basic tenets of religion, what is the child supposed to believe? If it's not important enough to the father/mother to marry Jewish, why should Judaism be important to the child? Why should the existence of Israel matter? Why would it become anything other than something interesting, yet disconnected and academic... How could it not be merely...

Something "cultural."

Our quickie wedding wasn't so quick.

My husband, Ariel, and I just hit the six month mark, and all I keep thinking is, how is it possible that some couples get divorced before they are together even a year??

Our situation (great choice of words) was unique. Our families (my immediate and his uncle's) grew up with each other. My husband and I lived in two different countries, so we didn't meet in person until we spoke online for almost two months. We went on three official dates (got engaged on the second one), and got married five months after our engagement.

Many people we know say that it happened really quickly, but it doesn't feel that way to us. Since we spoke for those two months prior to meeting, we actually got to know each other. I mean KNOW. We spoke about everything important (and some unimportant things as well). But it makes me wonder... how do people get married nowadays?

They date for years (I'm formerly guilty of this) and then, maybe, get married. But they don't really know each other. Worse yet, they know each other but refuse to admit to themselves that it isn't a good fit, and then get married because it's expected.

Neither is healthy.

Here are my thoughts after being a serial monogamist for 16 years: People need to be brutally honest with themselves, and only then will they be able to be honest with others. A spouse is someone with whom you are going to spend fifty years! Think long term. Be true to yourself. Decide what you can compromise on, and what you REALLY can't. Decide what is a habit (changeable) and what is character (not generally changeable). BTW, don't unilaterally volunteer to tell the other person about everything in your past. There may be things they don't need to know or things they consciously decide they don't need to know. Respect that decision as they should respect yours. Sometimes sharing is not caring.

Keep in mind that you should be happy with the person exactly the way they are right now, this very moment. Chances are they aren't going to change too much. Keep in mind they should be happy with who you are right now. Chances are you aren't going to change too much either, and you shouldn't change your character (unless you're a bully, a jackass, etc).

You should also be happy with who you are. Ask yourself this question. Ask yourself whether you are comfortable around your partner; whether you change your behavior when you're around them, whether you respect them and LIKE them as a person (and not just love them).

From the outsider's perspective, Ariel and I may have acted quickly, but there was so much thought, questioning, honesty, and communication bandying about that, in truth, we knew each other better on our wedding day than most long-term couples do. We have never stopped this intentional act of communicating and though I know I'm speaking for him, I can say that we will always both try to do our part to continue this for the next ninety years.

I want us to be one of those cute older couples that walks around holding hands; one of those couples who are approached by younger ones asking what our secret is. The secret is simple (note: simple does not mean easy). But then again, the best things in life are the ones that take a lot of work and attention.

He's the One.

When they found out I got engaged, several people asked me how I knew that Ariel was the one for me, especially since we have only known each other since December 6, 2011 (when we started chatting on FaceBook). I'll start by saying that although living 6,000 miles (9700km) apart is extremely challenging, it provided us with the opportunity we never would have gotten... to truly learn who the other person is.

Four days after we started talking, I was interested in meeting him. For months and months, we continued talking and realized that we have so many things in common.

It's really easy for me to answer the question, "How did you know?" in my head and heart, but not so easy for me to put it into words for the questioner. Nevertheless, here is my attempt to do so.

Before I met Ariel, I had a checklist with characteristics I was looking for in a guy. I was also pretty much ready and willing to settle (since it was extremely unlikely for me to find the man I was looking for). I had come to the conclusion that there was a certain person out there that I needed, but simply wasn't sure he existed. Before quitting, I prioritized my list of needs (and threw in a few wants), knowing that some were more important, some were less important, and some would have been nice (a "bonus") if I got them but could do without them. People laughed and asked me if I planned on finding just one guy who had everything I was looking for.

But it seems that within six months of my decision to get married, I got lucky enough to find the one man in the world who has met each and every request on my list, and what an amazing man he is (he's also a really good looking guy - icing on the cake)!

He thinks like I do, has a great sense of humor, a lot of patience, and has a big heart. He comes from a big family and they are important to him. His health and fitness is a priority, as is his Judaism. He likes to learn and is chivalrous. He is kind to people, no matter who they are, and works hard. Our style and taste is extremely similar, and we both love to go hiking, camping, reading, and playing/listening to music. He is strong, opinionated, extremely intelligent, thoughtful, and oh, have I mentioned kind?

We both have open minds and interests in trying new things. We both enjoy traveling, learning about new cultures and languages, and are foodies (and drinkies; is that a word?).

I love when he holds my hand without thinking about it. I like that he has his own interests, priorities, and friends. I like that he is a goofball. I like that he accepts things about me even when he doesn't understand them. I appreciate that he encourages me to do things I love, and I love that he surrounds himself with good, quality people.

In some respects, our personalities lean in different directions. I am more practical, he is more of a romantic. He seems to have an easier time focusing than I do (or he fakes it well). I am a uber-planner, he is more spontaneous. We balance each other well.

Most of the time, we communicate well. There are times when we don't, and when we are having trouble sharing or phrasing things quite right. But we both understand the importance of it and keep working at it until we are both (reasonably) happy.

In the end, what it comes down to, is that I don't have to try with him.

Every relationship takes work, but I don't have to struggle with him. I don't have to explain my love of Judaism to him or what Hebrew/Yiddish/holidays mean. I don't have to make excuses to travel, and I'll get to learn new languages with him. We can listen to, and learn playing, music together. Not only are we on the same page, but we have been reading the same book as well.

Not only do I love the man, but I like him as well, and I believe that is more important.

He makes me want to be a better person, a better attorney, and a better Jew. I want to be his amazing wife and mother to his children. I know he feels the same way because we've discussed everything, both easy and tough.

I look forward to what the future holds for us, but right now, I'm loving the present... and the man, my other half, my b'shert, with whom I get to share it.