Note: The below was written in real-time. It is now the end of January 2020.
October 28. Two months ago, after my "procedure," we went to see my gynecologist to make sure all was well. We asked him about trying again. He told us that since he knew we wanted another one, he'd say this: Normally he'd tell couples to wait three months to try again, but as I'm 41 and a half, I should take a month to recover and then come back pregnant. I smiled, glad he understood me and my wants, not really believing it could happen, but appreciating what I considered a blessing from him.
As I shared my experience with loss, I had many women (and even one or two guys) share their stories privately with me, thank me, and chat with me about their losses. More than a few women gave me blessings privately as we talked about things, but it always triggered a "yea, sure, that'd be nice." And even others told me that the period after a loss is the most fertile time (who knows why). I'm not really sure I believe that but it was a nice thought.
October 28. Two months ago, after my "procedure," we went to see my gynecologist to make sure all was well. We asked him about trying again. He told us that since he knew we wanted another one, he'd say this: Normally he'd tell couples to wait three months to try again, but as I'm 41 and a half, I should take a month to recover and then come back pregnant. I smiled, glad he understood me and my wants, not really believing it could happen, but appreciating what I considered a blessing from him.
As I shared my experience with loss, I had many women (and even one or two guys) share their stories privately with me, thank me, and chat with me about their losses. More than a few women gave me blessings privately as we talked about things, but it always triggered a "yea, sure, that'd be nice." And even others told me that the period after a loss is the most fertile time (who knows why). I'm not really sure I believe that but it was a nice thought.
So we tried after my first real month "back." And I was sure that we missed the window (ovulation sticks and all), but the next morning when I peed on my ovulation stick, I saw I had been wrong - the stick was clearly positive. So we timed it well and then waited... and waited during that dreaded two weeks to see what would happen, if anything.
Toward the end of that two week period, there was one morning when I woke up ridiculously early, before everyone else, and my right hip was aching and hurting. For me, that's a distinct sign of pregnancy... it only happens when I'm pregnant and it only happens once at the very early stages. I thought to myself, there's no way.... So I didn't pee on a pregnancy stick even though I had an obscene amount ready at hand.
I waited a couple days, but the memory of the aching hip haunted me and my husband had a good feeling, even prior to me telling him about my hip. Normally I would only take a pregnancy test in the morning (first morning urine and all), but it was nagging me.
So two days before Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, in the afternoon of October 7th, I peed on a stick and laid it on the bathroom sink. And waited.
And waited a long couple minutes before I saw the faintest line ever.
But here's the thing. After years of researching, learning about pregnancy, and personal experience, I know that even an almost invisible line means positive. I was a little stunned, not really believing what I saw. I brought it out to my husband who was sitting on the couch watching television.
"Can I show you something?" I held up the stick.
"You peed on a stick?"
"I did."
He looked and said, "I see a line."
"Yea."
I sat down.
I didn't feel pregnant, but then again, my period wasn't even due for another day and a half. But I had no symptoms of any impending visitor (unlike last time, where the cramps went on forever), so it must be true.
Over the next day and a half, I peed on four more sticks, each one getting progressively darker. After Yom Kippur, I peed on the last stick. It was VERY CLEARLY two lines. Each time, I showed my husband. He was getting very, very excited about our rainbow baby while I seemed to only have anxiety.
** ** **
November 3. Well, jeez, today I thought about my previous pregnancy and I thought about this one; I thought I was doing fine. Then, this afternoon, a woman shared her new Facebook group (a Jewish women's support group for pregnancies after loss), explaining that it was needed because the new pregnancy is simply TERRIFYING. Out of nowhere (really?), I suddenly lost it. I was at the office, sitting at my desk, tearing up and crying.
That's when I realized she is absolutely right.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant, my husband has been excited and I have been terrified. I originally thought it was just nerves and anxiety, but it's so much more than that. This morning I was having slight cramping and started worrying again. In this pregnancy, everything has seemed normal (even unimpressive), but emotionally, NOTHING is normal about this pregnancy.
Last week, when I was about six weeks pregnant, we went in to the gynecologist. I thanked him for his blessing (he was confused, then amused), he scanned me and said everything looks good so far. We could see a yolk sac and such, but it was too early for a heartbeat (as expected). He instructed us to come back in two weeks to check the heartbeat and, on our way out, wished me good luck with a smile.
So now we're waiting another two weeks.
All the while, hubby has been really cute. He went out and got us snacks. Without thinking, he picked up a particular candy for us. Did he realize what he had gotten? No. But it's adorable.
This afternoon, I realized I was feeling weird all day but couldn't figure out why. I began freaking out a bit. I thought perhaps I was dehydrated - always possible - so I started drinking a 1.5L bottle of water. I was still edgy. But now, thinking more deeply about it... perhaps my anxiety is kicking in again about the pregnancy. Very very realistic. Very very likely.
See, in the last pregnancy, I had done everything perfectly, taken my prenatals, eliminated alcohol and raw fish (mostly), reduced my tuna intake, taken my folates, and then, for no reason whatsoever, my baby was sick. Very sick. And here's the worst part. With hydrops, there's no 'safe point.' There's no developmental period that you can mark as a milestone to know you're safe. Hydrops can develop for a plenitude of reasons - at 12 weeks, 24 weeks, 30-33 weeks, any point in between or later. THERE IS NO SAFE POINT. Talk about terrifying.
** ** **
November 12. Today I'm eight weeks pregnant. Rainbow's eyes are now fusing shut so that they can develop and his/her tail is almost gone. Later this afternoon we are going into the gynecologist to check the baby's heartbeat. Am I nervous? Hell yes. But I keep breathing. What else can I do?
Toward the end of that two week period, there was one morning when I woke up ridiculously early, before everyone else, and my right hip was aching and hurting. For me, that's a distinct sign of pregnancy... it only happens when I'm pregnant and it only happens once at the very early stages. I thought to myself, there's no way.... So I didn't pee on a pregnancy stick even though I had an obscene amount ready at hand.
I waited a couple days, but the memory of the aching hip haunted me and my husband had a good feeling, even prior to me telling him about my hip. Normally I would only take a pregnancy test in the morning (first morning urine and all), but it was nagging me.
So two days before Yom Kippur, the Jewish day of atonement, in the afternoon of October 7th, I peed on a stick and laid it on the bathroom sink. And waited.
And waited a long couple minutes before I saw the faintest line ever.
But here's the thing. After years of researching, learning about pregnancy, and personal experience, I know that even an almost invisible line means positive. I was a little stunned, not really believing what I saw. I brought it out to my husband who was sitting on the couch watching television.
"Can I show you something?" I held up the stick.
"You peed on a stick?"
"I did."
He looked and said, "I see a line."
"Yea."
I sat down.
I didn't feel pregnant, but then again, my period wasn't even due for another day and a half. But I had no symptoms of any impending visitor (unlike last time, where the cramps went on forever), so it must be true.
Over the next day and a half, I peed on four more sticks, each one getting progressively darker. After Yom Kippur, I peed on the last stick. It was VERY CLEARLY two lines. Each time, I showed my husband. He was getting very, very excited about our rainbow baby while I seemed to only have anxiety.
** ** **
November 3. Well, jeez, today I thought about my previous pregnancy and I thought about this one; I thought I was doing fine. Then, this afternoon, a woman shared her new Facebook group (a Jewish women's support group for pregnancies after loss), explaining that it was needed because the new pregnancy is simply TERRIFYING. Out of nowhere (really?), I suddenly lost it. I was at the office, sitting at my desk, tearing up and crying.
That's when I realized she is absolutely right.
Ever since I found out I was pregnant, my husband has been excited and I have been terrified. I originally thought it was just nerves and anxiety, but it's so much more than that. This morning I was having slight cramping and started worrying again. In this pregnancy, everything has seemed normal (even unimpressive), but emotionally, NOTHING is normal about this pregnancy.
Last week, when I was about six weeks pregnant, we went in to the gynecologist. I thanked him for his blessing (he was confused, then amused), he scanned me and said everything looks good so far. We could see a yolk sac and such, but it was too early for a heartbeat (as expected). He instructed us to come back in two weeks to check the heartbeat and, on our way out, wished me good luck with a smile.
So now we're waiting another two weeks.
All the while, hubby has been really cute. He went out and got us snacks. Without thinking, he picked up a particular candy for us. Did he realize what he had gotten? No. But it's adorable.
This afternoon, I realized I was feeling weird all day but couldn't figure out why. I began freaking out a bit. I thought perhaps I was dehydrated - always possible - so I started drinking a 1.5L bottle of water. I was still edgy. But now, thinking more deeply about it... perhaps my anxiety is kicking in again about the pregnancy. Very very realistic. Very very likely.
See, in the last pregnancy, I had done everything perfectly, taken my prenatals, eliminated alcohol and raw fish (mostly), reduced my tuna intake, taken my folates, and then, for no reason whatsoever, my baby was sick. Very sick. And here's the worst part. With hydrops, there's no 'safe point.' There's no developmental period that you can mark as a milestone to know you're safe. Hydrops can develop for a plenitude of reasons - at 12 weeks, 24 weeks, 30-33 weeks, any point in between or later. THERE IS NO SAFE POINT. Talk about terrifying.
** ** **
November 12. Today I'm eight weeks pregnant. Rainbow's eyes are now fusing shut so that they can develop and his/her tail is almost gone. Later this afternoon we are going into the gynecologist to check the baby's heartbeat. Am I nervous? Hell yes. But I keep breathing. What else can I do?
